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По ком стонет сердце? – For Whom the Heart moans?

17.05.2011

It seems to you that you’re wrong because something hasn’t been done in the right way, or you always blame yourself for everything. Sure, you heap all responsibility on your shoulders and don’t spare yourself – in the long run, you will get sick and tired of everything, and it’s very dangerous.


You become lost like you’re a stranger to this place and you try hard to find a way. No doubt that everyone has come across this sort of problem that seems impossible to solve. It happens that you listen to someone and follow their advice making your way to where you’ve been pointed. Huh, then, it occurs to you that you shouldn’t have done this. Why not? Because you should use your own intuition, which gives you a helping hand very often when you’re within the labyrinth of life. Isn’t it curious that all this can lead you to unexpected events and revelations: bad and good, strong and weak, black and white. No matter what, the point is you seek, find and learn the most about yourself, as you are a great creature by nature.


All this concerned Floe. As a 25-year-old, nice woman, Floe is quite a mature person with her own frame of mind. Although, she’s not an old, life-worn woman, she’s gone through “sum” things and has gained experience. Sometimes, Floe has been such a fool. She has certainly erred and, oddly enough, she keeps making mistakes as if she is taking grapes blindly from the tree. Erare humanum est. – It’s as clear as a day.


But more or less, Floe is well aware of the way to treat people. She had experienced being a victim, a queen, a slave, a friend, an enemy, a player, an actress, a bitch, an angel, a child, a lover, a wife, and, finally, herself. She was frightened, humiliated, loved and hated, praised and betrayed, taken care and left behind. She’s put up with most of these things, but she’s also learnt how to give somebody a peg or two, show people their places, be kind and generous, brilliant and furious. At first, she thought that somehow she was a born actress and that’s why those roles came easy to her. But it wasn’t so. Far from it, in fact. She was just born to be that Floe, though, it may sound false. She is a quick-studied girl, there is no denying that.


Still, she’s not bothered about her hurt feelings…she still has some wounds. She realizes that if she pays too much attention to everything around her, she’ll vanish into thin air. She’s got used to taking everything with rough and smooth, but not giving up the fight or losing a chance to speak out. Every now and then, she faces a situation when she is in two minds: “Should I give into life or go on living, crying, laughing, falling and standing up again?” she asks herself. No, it’s not a trait of a weak character, it’s the proof that Floe is alive and is not going to be blown away like a candle.


That time, on the 7th of May, Floe was walking towards the amusement park as she enjoys refreshing her memories from her sweet childhood. On her way, she was turning this and that in her head over and over again… Then, she bought a ticket to the Ferris wheel (it’s her favorite one) and took her seat. The machine began working and soon Floe would reach the top of the wheel.


At last, she got there and became really enchanted. She was above all that was going on in the city. She felt high and could feel power in her soul. Her heart was beating painfully but she was delighted. Floe caught sight of a far-away horizon, and understood how little she knew about her existence in the world. She was so impressed that she became interested inthe prospect of her future. How could she hold the whole world, if she didn’t give her all to it? Floe had a connection with her surroundings, as she was able to love and forgive. And it meant a lot. But she was determined to find a new person within herself, not for herself, but for the world she lived in. She thought about what had happened to her before, and she suspected that it had been nothing in comparison with what was waiting for her heart in future hours. She was ready to start her life afresh. Floe suddenly felt that she loved herself as never before. At the bottom of her heart she considered herself a gift, a unique one. She was full of joy and even let herself smile and say “I’ll do it”. Apparently, everybody heard it and turned to Floe, thinking she was crazy and, suspecting she would jump off. If only they knew! Floe couldn’t but radiate the light of happiness. In fact, she neither cared at all nor took notice of other person. She figured out that she had learnt to be firm and self-reliant; even self-confident. She appreciated her inner state and wasn’t willing to lose it. In that state, she had a craving for creating a miracle even if it cost her dearly.


In the evening …(Вечером…)


Floe looked round, then at the sky; she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and fixed her scarf. It was of a greenish colour – she liked this colour.


- Indeed, Floe was a good-looking girl with a slim figure. She wore brunette shoulder-length hair and pretty bangs. Usually, her hair was loose or in a pony tail. That day, she was dressed in a knee-length coat and high-heeled boots till her knees as well. Her white boots went well with the peach coat. The green scarf added a significant touch to her clothes and matched her magically green eyes. Then, the white cute bag and brownish gloves made her so attractive that almost each man couldn’t but glance at her for a while. Floe had a secret: she didn’t usemuch in the way of cosmetics and her make-up always emphasized her natural beauty and youth. No one could take it from her, it should be admitted. -


She stepped off the wheel and started walking straight, then turned left and walked a little further. San-Francisco was full of different advertisement lights on the shop windows; lines “Casino”, “Bar” or “Hotel”, or simple monitor commercials on the walls of buildings. These comb red with the street lights created a fabulous picture show. It was 9 p. m. Floe tried to find places to walk where few people were – she wasn’t eager to be face to face with her friends now at all. Walking with a smile and holding her hands in her coat pockets she met an old couple and remembered her parents. They were far away from San-Francisco, and she hadn’t visited them so far. Sorrow and regret overwhelmed her. Last time they met didn’t bring anybody a world of good, and she had the intention to change something…


Suddenly, Floe noticed apretty cafe where she could probably warm herself with a cup of coffee (if only there was something to warm her soul). She, self-assured and self-satisfied, entered the cafe walking gracefully. She put an eye on a table at the end of the cafe, near the window and took a place. No sooner had she started reading the menu, when she heard somebody making determined steps towards her. Then, there was a tap on her shoulder. Floe worried that it could be her ex-boyfriend, but from this man’s voice she figured out and sighed quietly with relief, that it was someone quite unknown to her.


- I asked them to fix a special dinner to amaze me, but I didn’t expect them to be so broad-minded and creative. It’s beyond all praise. Good evening, miss. I’m sorry to disturb, but you are at my table. Don’t get up, stay seated, please. – Upon hearing these words, Floe felt a little bit awkward and embarrassment seized her. In spite of that, she didn’t stand up. Floe was the type who wouldn’t have obeyed if hehad said just the opposite.


- Take a seat, I don’t mind. – said she with a notion of impudence. – I beg your pardon, I can leave. – But she really didn’t want to.


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